Edging gives the thrill of holding off from falling over the proverbial edge in a series of peaks until you eventually do. In the case of a ruined orgasm the climax is totally removed, moreover, lack of pleasure is the goal.
“If you’ve ever been close to an orgasm, and your vibrator dies just as you were about to surrender, only to have your orgasm peter out pathetically, that is a ruined orgasm,” says Kate Balestrieri, PhD is a licensed psychologist, certified sex and sex addiction therapist.
To achieve a ‘ruined orgasm’ one gets enough stimulation to bring them close to the edge, but right before the big ‘O’ you may stop (or be told to stop). So you experience the physical orgasm (muscle contractions and ejaculation) but without the climatic pleasure.
The term may also encompass the ‘interrupted orgasm’, especially in role-play (BDSM – Bondage Discipline-Domination Sadism and Masochism) where a dominant partner controls the orgasm of the submissive one.
What makes a ruined orgasm so appealing
According to Jess O’Reilly, Sexologist and Ambassador for Sexual Wellness, just like any other power sex play, a ruined orgasm require consent of both parties. It follows guidelines, boundaries and negotiations.
So why would anyone want to go through the rules just to NOT experience climax.
- Although it is not exactly pleasurable, couples take to eroticising it by using it in power dynamics and control in the bedroom (giving up the control of your pleasure to a partner) for BDSM but also during vanilla sex.
- In BDSM context, it is considered a reward by the submissive party when they are denied climax.
- It carries a trace of rebelling against social norms and expectations of orgasming a particular way.
- For other people, it is about the experience of removing an end goal to sexual intimacy that heightens the intimacy bit of sex.
How to introduce the ruined orgasm into your sex life.
Have a consent discussion
Talk about your terms and conditions to establish comfort, a safe word for when you want to communicate or stop is recommended.
Consider introducing sex aids like vibrators. Once you feel comfortable enough, explore your desires, what excites you and then dive into the technical bit.
Begin with the stop-start technique
Arguably the most trusted way to ruin anything, decide who’s in control of delivering it. Pay attention to your partner and communicate to get more effective results.
Try out BDSM elements
The emotional elements of BDSM typically involve playing with feelings of frustration, loss of control, anger, or embarrassment to “ruin” the orgasm. However, this kind of practice also calls for a consent discussion of its own, and deeper knowledge.
“For example, your partner might continue with the physical stimulation that brings you to orgasm, but then say something that makes you feel humiliated or embarrassed to create a dissonance that ruins the orgasm,” O’Reilly says.
Give the same care and treatment you would after conventional intercourse, if not more. Due to it’s nature, the ruined orgasm can be more taxing on the hormones and exhausting.