Monday , November 28 2022
Ranking George Shea's Hot Dog Eating Introductions During the Performance of a Lifetime

Ranking George Shea’s Hot Dog Eating Introductions During the Performance of a Lifetime

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No one is better at their job than George Shea, the man who founded Major League Eating and is best known for his flowery prose while introducing combatants at the annual hot dog eating championships. His style is unmatched and he wields the English language like a mythical god. Shea, of course, would say this better than I so let’s waste no time getting to his brilliance. Here is how he introduced the field today out at Coney Island. All told it may have been his finest performance to date, which is really saying something.

Behold one of the great writers of his — or any — generation.

1. For fame to the eye of heaven is the blood of Cain. The child of evil anointed at birth with the oils of hell. Who speaks in the language of the beast to herald the coming reign of darkness. Ach say jahslaleck dwaysek mahme ahkuhnun ida renhoonan beehdah! Or for those who speak the language of the living: I am the storm of night sweeping westward from the sun to cast the innocent into a pit of torment. My time is at hand. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you George Chiger, the Red Horse of Death!

2. There will be a day that is the end. The collapse of time and all that stood within it. A day of nothing. Or no one. Of nowhere. But that day is not today. Today we burn bright. Today we blind the Earth with our desire. And while it is still ours, we will bend history to witness this moment. To witness this man. The humble consequence of carbon. The fleeting spray of life turned diamond by the sun. Forever suspended in that instant, indifferent to the gods. For he does not envy their power. He will not plead their pardon. He will curse and spit and sneer and shout his name at the heavens. I AM THE SHINING ARC OF HUMANITY. YIELD TO MY DOMINION. And if we must compete for our place within existence, we submit as our champion the champion of the world. Of now and of always. Of the air. Of the fire. Of the sea. Of the land of the free. Ladies and gentlemen, the Nathan’s Famous champion of the world … Joey Chestnut!

3. In his last will and testament there is a codicil memorializing his appreciation for string cheese and all those who serve it. Ranked No. 16 in the world, my friends, 68 tacos. One hundred and eighty-one gyoza. From Seattle Washington … Juan Rodriguez!

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